You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Randomize
