On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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