apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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