There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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