dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
