i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
