I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
