I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
