So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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