He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
