dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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