i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I love you.
Bad choice
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
