I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
