Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
