I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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