the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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