Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
