He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
