Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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