he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
