I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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