They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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