Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
