It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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