You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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