you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
