I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
