Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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