More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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