i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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