The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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