We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
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