Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
