are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
