I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
