i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
