it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
