I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
