Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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