Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
