Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
