One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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