its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
