I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
