I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
