This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
