is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
