I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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