you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Everyone says I win the strip club
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
