All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
