i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
