I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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