That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Girls should come with a carfax report
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
