I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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