can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
